( Audience applauding )
oh, god, it's bob and david !
( Audience cheering )
Thank you.
Oh, thank you. Welcome to mr. Show. I'm bob odenkirk.
( With british accent ) And i'm david cross.
Ho-ho.
And we have a great Show for you tonight.
Yes, tonight's Show is terribly, Terribly brilliant.
( Audience laughing )
Ah, david.
All right, well, we've Got some great scenes,
The cast members have Learned their line,
And you guys have Been well paid.
So, uh, let's Get started.
Indeed, let's get this Wallypopper a-brighting.
All right.
Look, david, uh, just be Yourself, all right ?
Right-o, robert. Chim chim cheree !
Ok, forget it. Guys, Come on out here !
Come on !
Wh-what-- What's all this Ballyhoo, then ?
It's about your Faky british accent.
It's really got To stop, david.
It's really Annoying.
Yeah, david, People are talking About hitting you.
Yeah.
I don't hear it. I don't-- i mean...
Hello. Hello, mum.
( Audience laughing )
Is this the queue For the loo ? I've Only got 2 pounds.
That's it. Right there.
I don't hear it. I mean, Perhaps i might have
Picked something up When i was in london
A few whiffen's past.
A few Whiffen's ?
What's That mean ?
Let's hit him.
Can i be first ? Line up.
No, no, no, jeez ! God !
Look, i...Was just Trying to have some Personality, is all.
( Audience laughing )
An affectation. Well, david...
That's Pathetic.
Yeah, it is.
Well, what about You guys ?
I mean, you Know, you guys have Your little things.
You know, jill, You got that parrot You wear around.
And, tom, You got lice.
And, john, you get High all the time.
( Audience laughing )
And what about You, bob ?
You know, always Out there singing The rap songs,
Using the slang.
( Audience laughing )
Well, that's me, david, I'm from the street.
Yeah.
( Audience laughing )
I guess i'm not From anywhere.
And i guess i have No friends either.
That's Too bad.
Correction...
I do have one Friend. Best friend In the whole world.
Oh, man. Look, if you mention That junkie again,
I swear, i'll Go get high.
Yeah, david. How many times Have i told you
There's no Such thing as a Talking junkie ?
Yes, there is, I've seen him.
Where ? London, England ?
Yeah, when ? A few Whiffen's past ?
( Laughing ) Cheerio !
There is such a Thing as a talking Junkie ! I have seen him.
David, listen, uh, i've Got a show to do Here on planet earth.
( Audience laughing )
Any--anytime you Want to join me, You're welcome.
( Hip-hop music playing )
Damn ! Snap it back With your old Funky-ass bitch !
* Ain't no party Like a mr. Show party *
* 'Cause the .Mr. Show Party don't stop *
* Hey, ho
C'mon.
* Hey, ho
Yeah.
* Hey, ho
Yeah, yeah.
* Hey, ho
* Hey, ho... *
Hey, junkie !
( Junkie's voice ) david, what's wrong ?
aren't you supposed to be doing your show ?
I'm supposed to. They won't miss me.
Bob's in there, Fuckin' shit Up old school,
And i got kicked Out of school.
i'm sorry, squirt.
Ah, i just wanted some Personality is all.
oh, david, you do have personality.
you're hyper and pushy and rude.
( Boinging )
Ok, ok, i get it.
Hey, junkie,
What if i got A cool tattoo ?
well, i don't know.
how's that cock ring working out ?
Well, my Girlfriend Liked it,
And my boyfriend Liked it,
But my wife Hated it.
( Audience laughing )
oh, david,
sometimes the answer is right in front of your face.
You think i Should do drugs ?
worked for me.
Well...
I don't know.
( David ) this was a bad idea.
( Audience laughing )
* everyone knows a junkie squats *
* and everyone knows a junkie walks *
* but have you seen a junkie talk ? *
* the amazing talking junkie *
( Audience applauding )
( Rod ) Oh, look at him.
( Jill ) I'm so happy.
Oh, he's a scratcher. He's a scratcher.
( Speaking like a baby ) Oh, someone's tired.
Ooh.
( Doorbell ringing )
There's the door. I'll get it.
Hi. Hi.
There's the Proud papa.
Congratulations, Mommy. Where's That baby ?
Where's That baby ?
Where's that Baby, huh ?
Shh !
What ? He's asleep ?
He's right Here.
( Jill ) Isn't he precious ?
Go on, say Hi to him.
He's big.
His name is tyler, And he's just perfect.
Um...
Yeah ?
Rod, i know that you Guys have been wanting A baby for a long time,
But you can't be serious. You adopted this guy ? He's our age, you know ?
( Audience laughing )
Todd, rod and i Are very serious.
We told the adoption Agency that we had No preferences--
Any age, any color, Any background,
So long as it Was someone that Wanted to be loved.
( Giggling )
Go on, give Him a chance.
I don't wanna-- Go on !
Come on.
Hi. Todd.
( Grunting )
Ty, Manners ! Come on.
( Sighing ) Hi.
I'm ty. Ty, uh...
Mcginty.
Ty mcginty.
( Audience laughing )
Just watching the Game, you know.
Yeah.
Hey, i know that ring-- Penn state, huh ?
Yeah, nittany lions, Man, class of '85.
Pitt, class Of '87 !
No shit. No shit.
You ever go to The red barn ?
Fuck, yeah, Quarter Beers, tuesdays.
Hey, were you there in '89 When that drunk chick gave Fat lenny the lap dance ?
Ah ! Yes !
He took her top off. When he opened Her shirt, he was going...
Uh ! Uh ! Uh ! Uh !
Boo, bam, boom. Boom, batty, boom.
You've gotta meet my Wife, sarah. Sarah, This is ty mcginty !
Oh. Hi.
Penn state.
Well, hello.
( Audience laughing )
enchante.
Mmm. Mmm.
Todd ?
Ok, hey, that's Enough of that.
Why don't i clear Off a little space For you to sit down ?
( Crying )
Take a load off.
( Todd ) Yeah, well, we've Got to get going.
Later on, baby.
Sorry. Thanks, rod.
What you doing Going out with A pitt man for ?
( Laughing )
Oh, so, hey...
Is it cool to Smoke in here ?
Or are you Guys gonna be Dicks about it ?
( Audience laughing )
Well, we'd rather You didn't smoke.
My baby can Smoke on his Special day.
Honey, um, We should talk.
( Whispering ) Talk to him. Talk to your son.
Ok.
Hey, son ?
Guess what ?
We're gonna do everything Together, you and i.
Next week, You're gonna come Down to my office
And watch me Design things. I'm an architect.
And we're gonna go to A baseball-card show.
And next weekend, You and i are gonna fix That hole in the roof.
Huh ? Just a father And son fix-it day. What do you say, tiger ?
Ok, first of all, You're an architect ?
Well, you're a pussy.
( Audience laughing )
2nd of all, Baseball-card shows ?
Oh, they're for Real big pussies.
And 3rd of all, i'm Not fixing your roof.
Your roof, Your hole.
( Audience laughing )
S'mores !
Honey... What ?
Listen, can we Send this guy back ?
Send him back ? This is our new son !
I don't care. If you Haven't noticed, this Guy is a real asshole.
( Audience laughing )
Come on, Dad, i didn't Ask to be born.
( Audience laughing )
All right, i Think it's time For a family meeting.
Tyler mcginty, turn Off the television.
You can't make Me, you're not My real parents.
Turn off the Tv, dickweed !
I hate you, daddy. I hate you, i hate You, i hate you.
I'm leaving, And i'm never Coming back.
Oh, ty-ty !
Ty, ty, ty ! No, no, let him go.
( Audience laughing )
You know Something ?
You know, i've been Adopted 43 times.
You know ? And all right, 42 times of those, all Right, i was the asshole.
That was my bad.
You know, Not this time.
You fucked This one up.
I tried, You didn't.
( Audience laughing )
Gee, dad, Cat's still in The cradle...
( Audience laughing )
Silver spoon, The moon...
All that.
( Audience laughing )
( Man ) * when you're feeling low and things have gone astray *
* remember, my friend help is on the way *
* red balloon is here
* to take your hand and steer *
* red balloon will help you fly away *
* red balloon hath a tale to tell *
* of candy, fun and golden bells *
* red balloon will push you down the well *
* red balloon will send you straight to hell *
* you've got to follow your balloon *
* red balloon will lead you on *
* red balloon will make you strong *
( Group ) * you've got to follow your balloon *
( Man ) * you've got to follow
( Group ) * you've got to follow your balloon *
( Woman ) * you've got to follow your balloon *
( Group ) * you've got to follow your balloon *
( Man ) * why won't you follow that balloon ? *
Hello. Hi.
Uh, can i get some Change, please ?
Sure.
For the balloon.
Oh, i'm Sure it is.
Say, you're a New face here.
Why don't you try booth 3 ? I'll let the movies Play a little longer.
Goodness, troy, you Were only in there About 10 minutes.
Are you feeling All right ?
Yeah.
Step over here.
No warmer than You should be.
All right, see You next week.
Thanks, mrs. A.
Good-bye, troy.
Thanks, mr. A.
Good kid.
Fine boy.
( Laughing )
( Sighing )
Goddamn it !
Language !
Jimmy !
What the hell is This, young man ?
I don't know.
I'll tell you What it is.
It's a box of Big, black dildos.
( Audience laughing )
You and your sister Were supposed to put These out last night !
I'll do it later !
You'll do it now !
Ow !
( Audience laughing )
And next time, You'll get more than A dildo in the head !
( Audience laughing )
Stupid dildos !
Don't blame The dildos !
Morning, Mrs. Applesway.
Mr. Applesway.
Mr. Tink.
Suppose you know Why i'm here.
Mr. Tink, i've told you, This shop is not for sale.
( Audience laughing )
Look, take the money. The city's rezoning This entire block.
You're gonna Lose the shop.
No, we won't.
We have a petition.
Every customer for The past month has Signed that, and proudly.
"L. Smith," "bill Smith," "mr. Jones"--
( Audience laughing )
Fake names.
Well, the last names Might be, but the First names are real.
Very clever, but It won't work.
Mr. Applesway, when You change your mind--
And you will--
Give me a call.
( Audience laughing )
Uh, can i have some Quarters, also ?
Oh, yes. Give him some quarters.
Of course you can. I should have known.
Thanks.
Try booth 2--
two chicks, one dick.
Oh, he'll Love it.
Done ! I'm going To ronnie's.
Oh, oh, wait, Wait, wait !
Take this clean-shaven tape Over to ronnie's dad for me.
( Audience laughing )
Would you care To explain this ?
What's That ?
One of those X-rated cd-roms.
I will not have this Filth in my house.
This stuff sickens me ! Sex with a computer.
Mom, it's Only porno.
Jimmy, honey, computers Are not natural. There's no warmth.
Not like a magazine, you Know, you can run your Fingers over the pages.
You run Your fingers Over the pages.
You watch Your mouth !
( Audience laughing )
Ok, keep the Stupid cd.
I don't care. I hate Porno. I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of all-anal action, And chicks with dicks,
And lactating mommas And all of it !
Let me remind you, Young man, that that Stupid all-anal action
Paid for that precious Mountain bike of yours.
Well, i Don't care.
Well, you should Start to care !
Well, i don't ! You should !
Well, i don't ! Start !
( Exploding )
Oh, my god !
Who speaks ill Of pornography ?
( Audience laughing )
Oh, my god !
( Audience laughing )
Who are you ?
I ? Why, i Started this shop
With just a hole in The side of a tree.
( Audience laughing )
Oh, my god ! Great- Great-great-grandpa !
That's right !
Young man, you say You hate pornography...
But pornography Does not hate you.
Why, in your darkest Hour, who is it That holds your hand ?
Pornography.
( Audience laughing )
You listen To him, jimmy.
You listen, Too, father !
Do you remember how They laughed at you ?
They laughed at you
When you brought Home the very first Dirty videotape.
Yes. Yes !
What did They say ?
That it would Never replace The super-8 loop.
But now Look ! Look !
An entire wall of nothing But hard-core gay anal sex.
( Audience laughing )
If that doesn't bring A tear to your eye,
Then you're the One who's inhuman.
Thank you, sir, You've taught Us all a lesson.
Don't mention it.
And now i must depart Your physical realm.
Bye. Bye.
Could i get some, uh, Quarters, actually ?
Oh, yes, of Course you can.
There You go.
Thank you very much. Keep it in the family. ( Laughing )
And now, i bid You farewell and Back into the mist.
( Tink ) Hey, i'm in here !
Oh, i'm sorry. Terribly Sorry. So long, now.
( Audience laughing )
Good-bye ! Good-bye !
( Audience applauding )
Oh !
( Sighing )
Mr. Tink.
I couldn't help but Overhear what that Ghost had to say.
( Audience laughing )
He's right.
I'm advising My bosses to Look elsewhere.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you, sir. Thank you.
Oh, god Bless you !
You're wel-- oh.
Thank you.
( Sighing )
Good-bye. Good-bye.
( Whispering ) Bye.
( Audience laughing )
Uh, can i have Some quarters ?
Oh, yes, i Thought you Were done.
Couple of pumps left. ( Laughing )
I'm going To ronnie's.
( Mrs. A. ) All right, be careful.
( Banging on ceiling )
Oh, those damn Neighbors...
( Banging )
Keep it down !
There's people trying to Masturbate down here !
( Audience laughing )
( Hammer banging )
( Crying ) I can't take it !
I can't take it anymore !
This world is hard !
I got no reason to live.
( Swooshing )
( Soft music playing )
Three times one Minus one !
What are you Doing here ?
Three times one minus one's Gonna make it a'ight.
( Chiming )
* Ewww
* Girl
* Ewww
Damn.
Check it out, g ! Comin' straight Outta scarsdale !
That's three Times one minus one With their top-10 single
ewww, girl, ewww.
( Audience laughing )
I'm 'a be chittin' 'n' Chattin' with them right Here in the present tense
On the w.P.C.B.C.N. !
( Announcer ) you are watching the white people
co-opting black culture network.
( Audience laughing )
A'ight, a'ight ! I'm Hangin' with my boyz From the t.T.O.M.O.
Why don't y'all Introduce ya All selves ?
Well, uh, it's like, I'm sayin', this Is my man, pootie-t.
What's up ?
It's like, i'm Sayin', my name Is wolfgang amadeus
Stallonies von Funkenmeister the 19th and 3 quarters.
( Audience laughing )
Yeah, so, so, so Tell me about ya All's influences.
Yeah, yeah, i'm Down with that.
It's like, i'm Sayin', brent b.,
We've been influenced By all kinds of White performers
Who've been influenced By black entertainers.
You know ?
It's like, i'm Sayin', i gotta say, My man, elvis, the king.
You know ? It's like, I'm sayin', vanilla Ice, the original.
You know ?
It's like, i'm Sayin', the blues Brothers. Right ?
It's like, I'm sayin', The new kids.
It's like, i'm sayin', The manhattan transfer.
( Brent ) Had 'em on the show.
All that, All the greats.
All the great ones.
A'ight, well, You know, let's Dip into that
Hot and Sticky video One more time--
T.T.O.M.O.
* Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww Ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww *
* Ewww
* Ewww, ewww
* Ewww, girl *
Damn.
( Audience laughing )
Yeah, man, That's the bomb !
( Audience laughing )
So it's A message Of hope ?
Well, it's about Literacy, you know ?
Damn ! Down with that ?
You recently, pootie-t, You had a book thrown At you, didn't you,
For, like, a Pamphlet crime ?
Straight up, man.
He's talkin' About loiterin'.
My man, pootie-t...
Damn, damn !
The cops came down on him So hard, so hard, you know ?
They say he'd been loiterin' And jaywalkin', you know,
'Cause he'd be walkin' Across the street and that.
My man, pootie-t, Is from the street.
He got to be able to Walk across the street.
( Audience laughing )
I ain't got no Flyin' shoes.
( Audience laughing )
Now, brent,
It's, like, now my man, Here, is facing $10, $20 fine, you know ?
It's like, i'm Sayin', man,
The cops Be crackin' Down on you.
You know, it's, like, if You're a white performer
Who's impersonating A black performer, They come right at you.
You know ?
It's like a-- It's like a double-triple Standard, you know ?
It's like, i'm sayin', It's like double-reverse Racism times 9.
( Audience laughing )
The cops Be crackin' Down on us.
They see you drivin' By in a fancy car, They stop you and go,
"Yo, you know, If you was a black Man, i'd arrest you,
"But you're white And you're actin' Like you're black,
"And you can Go, but..."
( Brent ) Yeah.
( Audience laughing )
You know, brent, I got one more Thing i wanna say
To everybody Out there. Is that The camera that's on ?
Yeah, right Over there.
It's like, i'm Sayin', you know.
( Audience laughing )
Yeah. Yeah.
A'ight, well, listen, As we turn it out, Let's take another whiff
Of that latrocious Vid-e-i-e-i-e-i-o
With my boyz from The t.T.O.M.O. !
* Girl, lady, woman
* Little girl, little
* Ewww, girl
Damn.
( Female singers ) * ewww, girl
* ewww, girl *
Here's 308.
This is the place,
And it just Became available.
Unfortunately, the Last girl who lived Here took her own life.
I hope That doesn't Bother you.
( Audience laughing )
Damn.
( Announcer ) coming to the greenwich civic center
from london's west end,
sir lloyd wilson webber's Rap-- the musical !
* Just give me that Big, booming bass *
* In your face That booming bass *
* Give me that Stoopid, phat rhyme *
* Every time
* Describe a crime *
( Announcer ) Rap-- the musical ! contains no rap music !
* Oh, goin' on a drive-by, Just me posse and me *
* I'm a gangster Of the old school *
* You can call me o.G. *
( Announcer ) Rap-- the musical ! is a celebration
for the entire family.
* I'm in a Gang of one *
* Stuck in this Chair i can't Have much fun *
* But with a mike And a beat *
* I could get out Of this seat *
* And then all of Rap music *
* Can hear
* I could rap about this I could rap about that *
( Announcer ) Rap-- the musical ! the fun of rap
without all that rap.
* Well, i'm an old gold tooth And i'll tell you the truth *
* I live in the Mouth of my homey *
* Let's take it south *
( Announcer ) don't miss Rap-- the musical !
you'll want to experience the magic again and again !
open up your heart and let the rap shine in !
and now, back to the homage awards.
live from the ) globo-chem arena,
we return to the 3rd annual homage awards,
honoring excellence in the field
of borrowing black culture.
( Announcer #3 ) ladies and gentlemen, 'nilla ice.
yeah, this is the new me.
a'ight.
the nominees
for the most soulful single performed by a white duo is
Wanna freak you in The ass by r.U. Da 1 !
( Audience applauding )
a'ight.
yeah.
and ewww, girl, ewww by three times one minus one.
a'ight.
yeah.
( Audience applauding )
a'ight.
and premium soulsonic Megajive,
the love theme from brutal enigma,
by 2 tru 4 u.
yeah, all right.
a'ight, a'ight.
and another one from my boys
from three times one minus one,
Ewww, girl, ewww, girl.
yeah.
( Audience applauding )
a'ight.
and the winner is...
man !
oh, my boys from t.T.O.M.O. a'ight, yeah !
( Audience applauding )
it's like, i'm sayin', i wanna give a shout out to my main man, god.
As-salaam alaikum.
( Audience laughing )
and i wanna say to all my black brothers out there--
keep pumpin' out the rhymes, and we'll keep re-pumpin' 'em.
pootie-t, let's take 'em out !
A'ight.
* ewww
damn.
* ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww *
* ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww
damn.
* ewww, ewww, ewww, ewww *
damn.
* ewww, ewww
damn, damn.
* ewww, ewww, ewww *
damn, damn, damn.
* oh, ewww, ewww ewww, ewww, ewww *
damn, damn, damn, damn, damn.
* ewww, ewww, ewww ewww, ewww *
damn, damn, damn. * ewww, ewww, ewww
* ewww... *
( Announcer ) next, on hbo...
tonight, on hbo...
Creepy peeping Videos 4.
hbo placed hundreds of secret pinhole cameras in people's homes
to catch them in embarrassing private moments.
it's all against the law, and it's all on hbo.
tonight, you'll see actual video of a nanny out of control.
a camera was placed above the tv set
in this home, and caught these horrific scenes.
Ok, come On in here.
We're gonna watch aunt helen's Favorite show now. Come on.
Let's go.
Sit down, We're gonna watch One of my stories.
I don't wanna Watch soap operas,
The game's on.
Sit down ! Hey !
Jesus ! Look, lady--
Shh, it's Starting Right now.
I don't wanna watch The soap opera !
Did you hear What i said ? Did you ?
Did you hear What i said ?
Those are My fries !
Now you don't Get anything !
( Crying )
Shut up !
( Audience laughing )
Hey, i found My balloon.
Ahhh !
You popped My balloon !
Oh !
Don't tell me What i have to--
Ow, they're Too tight !
What did i Say to you ?
Too tight !
( Crying )
( Audience laughing )
You hear me ?
You gonna behave ?
Are you Gonna behave ?
Oh, i can't Believe it.
I can't leave you Alone for a minute.
You're getting In the bath.
Come on !
You're getting in the Bath, and there'll be No bubbles, not a one !
( Announcer ) Creepy peeping videos 4,
only on hbo.
we're naughty.
( Audience applauding )